On pleasure in Spike Jonze’ ‘Her’ pt. 2: an exploration of unconventional relationships w/ Anita
Freyia’s (she/her) mentor, Anita (she/her) stops by to dissect one of Freyia’s favourite films, Her. In this final part of this two part discussion on the theme of pleasure; Freyia and Anita discuss how the movie explores unconventional relationships.
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Content Warnings:
Discussions of sex and sexuality throughout.
The conversation touches on themes of hook up culture; non monogamy (consensual and non-consensual); interpersonal conflict and BDSM.
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Book your tickets for the official (free!) online launch event for the wellbeing practice taking place on 19th August at 7pm British Time / 1pm Central US Time here:
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References:
How to Sext - The Ultimate Sexting Guide - Candice Jalili
https://www.thecut.com/article/sexting-how-to-ultimate-guide.html
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Blind Date - Britannica
https://www.britannica.com/dictionary/blind-date
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Conscious Monogamy – Anita Cassidy
https://www.alethya.com/conscious-monogamy/
On Ambiamory and Choosing Conscious Monogamy After Being Polyamorous/Non-Monogamous – Anita Cassidy
https://www.alethya.com/ambiamory-and-choosing-conscious-monogamy/
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Sexual Hookup Culture: A Review - Justin R. Garcia, Chris Reiber, Sean G. Massey, and Ann M. Merriwether
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3613286/
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What Is Mixology - Angus Tookey
https://www.nisbets.co.uk/how-to-learn-mixology
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Why So Many Women Are Reluctant To Ask For What They Want and Deserve - Kathy Caprino
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-so-many-women-reluctant-ask-what-want-deserve-kathy-caprino
This Is The Reason It’s So Hard For Women To Say What They Want In Bed - Annie Lord
https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/what-women-want-in-bed
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What Is an Open Marriage? - Sheri Stritof
https://www.liveabout.com/what-is-an-open-marriage-2303204
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Bumble
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Being Honest While Dating Is A Game Changer - Holly Riordan
https://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2020/04/being-honest-while-dating-is-a-game-changer/
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Polyamory - Sexplanations
https://youtu.be/0VKGRrOzMDg?si=8khtaNv3LsbQWe_0
Polyamory Lingo - Sexplanations
https://youtu.be/g2olS1muAq8?si=KJE3D-psqrtwDohj
AM I AN ETHICAL SLUT???? & Book Review - Sexplanations
https://youtu.be/FNqnk9E2g2Y?si=_xjk4yNhJRNf0Qyl
Thirteen Mistakes People Make When Trying Polyamory - Lola Pheonix
https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/thirteen-mistakes-people-make-when-trying-polyamory/)
Is Polyamory With A Monogamous Partner Possible? In One Word, YES! - Lori Beth
https://drloribethbisbey.com/polyamory-monogamous-partner-possible-1/
Poly/Mono or Mono/Poly - Elisabeth Sheff
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201411/polymono-or-monopoly-0
Abuse, Boundaries, and Incompatibilities in Mono/Poly Relationships - Jess Mahler
https://jessmahler.com/abuse-boundaries-and-incompatibilities-in-monopoly-relationships/
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Our Resources are Limited. And It Matters - Joshua Becker
https://www.becomingminimalist.com/our-resources-are-finite-it-matters/
Limitations Of Time Resources In Human Relationships Determine Social Structures - Masanori Takano and Ichiro Fukuda
https://www.nature.com/articles/palcomms201714
Robin Dunbar Explains Humans' Circles of Friendship - Sheon Han
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/05/robin-dunbar-explains-circles-friendship-dunbars-number/618931/
The Effort Paradox: Effort Is Both Costly and Valued - Michael Inzlicht Amitai Shenhav and Christopher Y. Olivola
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6172040/
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Note: Although not the point of this article, it recommends the theory of the ‘5 Love Languages.’ Whilst I find the notion of ‘Love Languages’ as a concept really helpful, I have criticisms of the book which popularised the idea, specifically how it completely ignores social injustices and the inequalities in emotion labour that currently exist in society, especially between men and women. I also believe that there are far more than 5 ‘Love Languages’ and I don’t believe that everyone has a a specific hierarchy of them in the order 1-5, I feel this idea is quite reductive.
Putting Love into Action: The Ultimate Guide - Noah Martinez
https://www.thedailypositive.com/love-into-action/
Note: This podcast is a discussion of the ‘types of love’ as defined by the ancient Greek people which Anita mentions during the conversation.
Love in the Time of Covid-19 - The Meg-John & Justin Podcast
https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/love-in-the-time-of-covid-19-2/#more-1812
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Compersion: What It Is and How to Achieve It - Sian Ferguson
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/compersion
Does Polyamory Spread Love too Thin? - Aaron Ben-Zeév
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202204/does-polyamory-spread-love-too-thin
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How Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Power the Most Fulfilling Relationships - Aaron Ben-Zeév
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202012/how-self-esteem-and-self-confidence-power-the-most-fulfilling
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‘Discovering My True Sexual Self’: Why I Embraced Polyamory - Anita Cassidy
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jan/20/why-i-chose-polyamory-anita-cassidy
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Meg-John Barker
https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/meg-john-barker/
Rewriting The Rules - Meg-John Barker
https://www.queerlit.co.uk/products/rewriting-the-rules?_pos=1&_sid=0287cd7c7&_ss=r
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On Jungian Personality Typology 101: The 8 Cognitive Functions w/ Sara — Folie À Deux Podcast
https://www.folie-a-deux.co.uk/shownotes/onthe8cognitivefunctions
Carl Jung
https://www.britannica.com/biography/Carl-Jung
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Alan Watts
https://alanwatts.org/life-of-alan-watts/
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Note: It was really hard to find some further reading on this topic that did not mention ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs’ - which I vehmently opposite haha (I think of it as ‘Maslow’s Shitty Triangle) - it’s history is colonials and appropriative and it is also incredibly classist, as well as being highly inaccurate in my opinion. I have an episode slowly gestating on this so watch this space.
What Is Self-Actualization? - Joaquin Selva
https://positivepsychology.com/self-actualization/
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Transcendence - Britannica
https://www.britannica.com/topic/transcendence
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What Is Shibari Or Kinbaku? Everything You NeedTo Know About BDSM Rope Play - Beth Ashley
https://mashable.com/article/what-is-shibari-kinbaku-bdsm
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BDSM 101 - Evie Lupine
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmm2pb8hUJfV6NTyvX_us3kEYELb93n0A&si=lxmFmNEIVRt0cY9L
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Tyler Ford Explains The History Behind The Word Queer - them
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpE0u9Dx_24
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Kinks & Fetishes Are Not The Same - Hannah Witton
https://youtu.be/K0G5S7C6XIE?si=qF0nKQ8bIALQuqp4
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What Is Heteronormativity - Hannah Witton
https://youtu.be/4oB2Cck9Ok8?si=BzEDhFyknDSNwCiZ
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Design, Use and Effects Of Sex Dolls and Sex Robots: Scoping Review - Nicola Doring, M Rohangis Mohseni and Roberto Walter
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7426804/
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What Reasonable Adjustments Are: Reasonable Adjustments At Work - Acas
https://www.acas.org.uk/reasonable-adjustments
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Fembots: The Ultimate Male Fantasy - Cheyenne Lin
https://youtu.be/z6ziLrtyz0Y?si=FEjfc3jre3_thput
Note: This podcast (of ‘botcast’ as the hosts, Margot and Jordan coined it) currently is exploring the role of robots/AI characters in movies. There is a great episode on ‘Her’ - which I hadn’t heard before recording this and makes some of the same points Anita and I do! As well as explore the idea of of the intersection of gender and robots/AI characters in movies.)
The Whole Movie Botcast
https://crucchiola.podbean.com/page/2/
Born Sexy Yesterday - Pop Culture Detective
https://youtu.be/0thpEyEwi80?si=XeetISyERht8Fbs3
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What Is Consensual Non-Consent? - Tatyannah King
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a41175223/consensual-non-consent/
THIS Is The Problem With CNC 9Consensual Non-Consent) - Evie Lupine
https://youtu.be/IIrm6RbDBJQ?si=v_zjvZe0w4sRlp6X
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I Spent A Day With Dominatrixes - Anthony Padilla
https://youtu.be/IIrm6RbDBJQ?si=v_zjvZe0w4sRlp6X
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South Park
South Park (TV Series 1997– ) - IMDb
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The Short Instructional Manifesto For Relationship Anarchy - Andie Nordgren
https://log.andie.se/post/26652940513/the-short-instructional-manifesto-for-relationship
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Limerence: What Is It And How Do We Let It Go? - Heidi Preibe
Limerence: 5 Signs You're Self-Regulating Through Romantic Obsession - Heidi Preibe
The Dangers of Romanticization - Sisel Gelman
https://medium.com/@siselgelman/the-dangers-of-romanticization-33510c12a95e
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What is the Relationship Escalator? – Amy Gahran
https://offescalator.com/what-escalator/
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Esther Perel
https://www.estherperel.com/
The State Of Affairs - Esther Perel
https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-state-of-affairs/esther-perel/9781473673557
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Game Changers – What They Are and How They Affect You and Your Relationships – Anita Cassidy
https://www.alethya.com/game-changers/
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Note: In this TED Talk, Esther Perel talks about how affairs can bring to light what is missing in a romantic relationship, and if you can incorporate what was missing the relationships can thrive. This is what I was trying to convey when I mentioned this…badly!
Esther Perel: Rethinking Infidelity ... A Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved | TED Talk - Esther Perel
https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
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Disappointment – Anita Cassidy
https://www.alethya.com/disappointment/
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Credits:
H O S T
Freyia Lilian
G U E S T
Anita Cassidy
Website: https://www.anitacassidy.uk/
Alethya Website: https://www.alethya.com/
Twitter: @anitacassidy76
Her novel, Appetite: https://www.abebooks.co.uk/9781910453476/Appetite-Anita-Cassidy-1910453471/plp
TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hjHANAgCbE
M U S I C
Foxhunt (he/him)
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/foxhunt-official
S O U N D
Will Ainsworth (he/him)
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If you are concerned about your mental health, Folie À Deux always recommends turning to trusted members of your community first.
This is also a reminder to check up on your favourite people, even those you consider holding it together just fine.
In the words of Drs Amelia and Emily Nagoski:
“The cure for burnout isn’t self care, it’s all of us caring for each other.”
Access allowing, spending your time and resources finding a supportive professional you gel with can be invaluable to your journey.
If you are in crisis and you don’t know where to turn, Strong 365 hosts their own free 24 hour peer led online mental health chat which can be found here:
https://www.7cups.com/p/strong365/?wla=strong365
A thorough list of mental health helplines for a range of countries can be found here:
https://www.helpguide.org/find-help.htm
The world is better with you in it.
